Of GTA: Vatican City Stories and videogaming in the future
We know you had a blast (from the past) when we ran a feature about turning classic 80s cartoons into next-gen videogames, so we thought “why not do a 180 and focus on what lies ahead this time?” So this time we’ll try to go crazy (in the process, be as absurd as possible) and try to peek into the kind of videogames our grand, grand, grandchildren would play in the far future.
We know that videogaming evolves depending on the kind of technology the current generation has. Whether it’s a top of the line cell, motion-sensing technology, or an oober rich gameplay, current crop of consoles and games will try to equip themselves with the most technologically advanced weapons (yeah, kinda like “real” wars).
Since our list is supposed to be played during the future, don’t be surprised with its absurdity. Even Edison and Einstein were laughed at by their peers during their time. We can’t play videogames without platforms, so we’ve pulled out some out of this world (or time) ideas and created our own versions of future consoles. We’ll stick with the big three this time – Nintendo, Microsoft, and Sony. Here they are:
Xbox Revolution: Nope, they did not rip off Wii’s former name. It’s 50+ years into the future and I doubt if anybody would still remember that Nintendo used it as a WIP name for one of their consoles. Why “Revolution”? Well Microsoft followed 360 with 720, then 1440, and then…let’s just say they got tired with spinning figures they christened their console of the future with a name that “revolutionizes” rotation (and an excuse to get rid of all those numbers). Main feature: Nerve sensitive controllers enabling the owner to make commands with the power of thought. Bonus perk: Comes with complementary infobot/condom dispenser (part of Bill Gates mission to stop AIDS).
PlayStation 3: Yeah, Sony will stick to the name PS3 because it is the future. In the far future they’ve stopped relaunching completely new consoles and have just resorted to periodical hardware and system updates. Main Feature: Interactive Body Teleporter: Technology immersing the player to actual in-game participation (gamer gets warped inside the game). Bonus perk: 20% off the next hardware or system update, which should be in a month.
Nintendo YeePee: It turns out the “Wii” is Nintendo’s sublime way of sending the “our console is fun” message (hence the name’s “weee!” sound). And their most recent console’s name, descendant of Nintendo “Yey” and “Hura”, follows the same trend. Main feature: Strap-on technology, the console works like a mobile suit, giving the gamer the ultimate motion sensing experience. Bonus perk: Party hats and balloons, and a couple of pots and pans.
Getting trippy already? Get a load of titles for the future by clicking on the “full article” link below.
We know you had a blast (from the past) when we ran a feature about turning classic 80s cartoons into next-gen videogames, so we thought “why not do a 180 and focus on what lies ahead this time?” So this time we’ll try to go crazy (in the process, be as absurd as possible) and try to peek into the kind of videogames our grand, grand, grandchildren would play in the far future.
We know that videogaming evolves depending on the kind of technology the current generation has. Whether it’s a top of the line cell, motion-sensing technology, or an uber rich gameplay, current crop of consoles and games will try to equip themselves with the most technologically advanced weapons (yeah, kinda like “real” wars).
Since our list is supposed to be played during the future, don’t be surprised with its absurdity. Even Edison and Einstein were laughed at by their peers during their time. We can’t play videogames without platforms, so we’ve pulled out some out of this world (or time) ideas and created our own versions of future consoles. We’ll stick with the big three this time – Nintendo, Microsoft, and Sony. Here they are:
Xbox Revolution: Nope, they did not rip off Wii’s former name. It’s 50+ years into the future and I doubt if anybody would still remember that Nintendo used it as a WIP name for one of their consoles. Why “Revolution”? Well Microsoft followed 360 with 720, then 1440, and then…let’s just say they got tired with spinning figures, so they christened their console of the future with a name that “revolutionizes” rotation (and an excuse to get rid of all those numbers). Main feature: Nerve sensitive controllers enabling the owner to make commands with the power of thought. Bonus perk: Comes with complementary infobot/condom dispenser (part of Bill Gates mission to stop AIDS).
PlayStation 3: Yeah, Sony will stick to the name PS3 because it is the future. In the far future they’ve stopped relaunching completely new consoles and have just resorted to periodical hardware and system updates. Main Feature: Interactive Body Teleporter: Technology immersing the player to actual in-game participation (gamer gets warped inside the game). Bonus perk: 20% off the next hardware or system update, which should be in a month.
Nintendo YeePee: It turns out the “Wii” is Nintendo’s sublime way of sending the “our console is fun” message (hence the name’s “weee!” sound). And their most recent console’s name, descendant of Nintendo “Yey” and “Hura”, follows the same trend. Main feature: Strap-on technology, the console works like a mobile suit, giving the gamer the ultimate motion sensing experience. Bonus perk: Party hats and balloons, and a couple of pots and pans.
Videogames of the future
It doesn’t matter if the machine’s advanced enough to produce black holes and destroy the universe, without great games it’s not gonna kick much ass. And in the future, kickass games are the norm. It’s either you’re awesome, or you’re lame, no more middle ground. Here are some games we should expect to rule the future:
Grand Theft Auto: Vatican City Stories
Developer: RockStar
Genre: Third-Person/Action Adventure
Release Date: Bush, 2061 (yeah, they’ve renamed months to historical figures)
Platform: YeePee
Rockstar, in an attempt to clear their name and to prove that they can be successful even on non-violent games, created a virtual world where the player’s goal is to rule the holy Vatican City by being the Pope. In this game, you play the role of theological student Ramon, a bastion of goodwill whose dream is to spread the word of God and restore world peace. His Priest mentor tasks him to complete missions (such as withstanding a bunch of stripping college girls, reuniting an Israelite with her Palestinian husband, etc.) that’ll boost the character’s divinity towards his way to papacy.
Star Wars: Edge of Galaxy with George Lucas
Developer: Obsidian Ertaintenment/LucasArts
Genre: RPG
Release Date: Spears, 2063
Platform: Xbox Revolution
The lightsaber-wielding, force-toting Jedis are back with a mission that’ll take them to the edge of galaxy. The Dark Force has employed the services or Darth Bord who has now launched an armada of Imperial ships ready to lay waste to all the planets of the Republic. Jedimaster Homer Skywalker, with the aid of George Lucas (the game’s NPC, a tribute to Lucas’ legacy), aims to halt the Sith force. The game is set to utilize Revolution’s Nerve Sensitive controllers that’ll capture the Jedis’ telekinetic powers. What’s Lucas’ race you say? Here’s a clue:
Homer Skywalker: Let’s go Lucas, time to use the force and attack these Sith Lords!
George Lucas: UUUHHHGGG-rrrrRRR! HHHurrRRRRRRRRnhhhh!
Final Fantasy E (250)
Developer: Square Enix/Green Peace
Genre: RPG
Release Date: Cowell, 2062
Platform: PlayStation 3
The 250th Final Fantasy is braving new grounds as it try to veer away from the traditional serene Ivalice setting. This time the game will take us to a more dangerous place and time, back to the year 2007 where global warming, melting polar icecaps, and countries nuking each other is threatening to exterminate the human race. Our hero Clato heads out on a mission to uncover the mystery of his brother’s death, which will fatefully cross the path of the people behind the planet’s impending demise.
The game will take full advantage of PS3’s Interactive Body Teleporting technology by actually sending the players back to the year 2007 to undertake the mission assigned to Clato. Future gamers are bound to be thrilled with the sight of new races (malnourished African children, obese western kids, and well-dressed politicians) and weapons (over-the-counter guns, deadly chemicals, and American Idol wannabes).
Metal Gears of Halo
Developer: Bungie/Epic Games/Konami
Genre: Third Person Shooter
Release Date: LebRon, 2065
Platform: TBA
Epic Games, Konami, and Bungie aim to relive their glory days in this weird collaboration. Inspired from their own used-to-be-famous-now-a-has-been projects, they’re bringing us probably the most eccentric twist in videogaming history. Not much has been divulged in this promising title, save some details about the main character – Chief Snake Fenix. He’s said to be a Spartan carrying the crossed hybrid DNA of Solid Snake and Marcus Fenix, a total specimen for badassness.
There you have it, our own creative, if not twisted, take on how the future of videogaming will shape up decades from today. We didn’t promise anything serious (and we didn’t expect you to take it seriously either), it was just done for the love of the industry and what it represents – quality fun. Maybe you have your own trippy ideas stashed somewhere there? Time to let the whole world hear ’em out. You’ll never know, these very pages might be sifted by our descendants in the future and might earn us end credits from a videogame in the future.
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