The QuickJump Quicklist: Video gaming’s unsung heroes
For every ground-breaking title out there, there exists an unsung hero. They – like soldiers and bad sitcoms of old – are the miserable underdogs who never receive the due credit they deserve for their work. We’re not talking about the developers – we’re talking about specialists – the (fictional) guys who work behind the scenes to ensure that the elements in whatever genre you play will always remain in tip-top condition, whether its your resident androgynous antagonist ‘s script, or your unfriendly neighborhood mook’s marksmanship scores.
These guys will be the topic of today’s quick list – along with an explanation with that special thing they do just to make the game better for one special individual – you. On to the list!
1. Sephiroth’s acting coach
Let’s be honest – Sephiroth isn’t that original. More than one anime, manga, and J-RPG can boast its own brew of silver-haired, bad-ass sword-wielding bishie hotness, with Sephie being just a part of this popular trend. What sets him apart, however, is execution (acting, not AerisÂ…).
Sephiroth’s dark foreboding lines and steely glare will haunt many a gamer’s dreams, and for this, we can thank the man’s ever-capable acting coach. We’re talking the drama-guru who made Sephiroth walk the walk, talk the talk – the dude who probably taught him captivatingly cheesy one-liners like “Shall I give you despair?”
I’m afraid you haven’t, Mr. Sephiroth’s Acting Coach. You did give plenty of fanboys/girls something to think about for their next few – err – dreams, though…
Special accreditation goes to Cloud’s hairdresser.
The rest of the list is available in the Full Article
For every ground-breaking title out there, there exists an unsung hero. They – like soldiers and bad sitcoms of old – are the miserable underdogs who never receive the due credit they deserve for their work. We’re not talking about the developers – we’re talking about specialists – the (fictional) guys who work behind the scenes to ensure that the elements in whatever genre you play will always remain in tip-top condition, whether its your resident androgynous antagonist ‘s script, or your unfriendly neighborhood mook’s marksmanship scores.
These guys will be the topic of today’s quick list – along with an explanation with that special thing they do just to make the game better for one special individual – you. On to the list!
1. Sephiroth’s acting coach
Let’s be honest – Sephiroth isn’t that original. More than one anime, manga, and J-RPG can boast its own brew of silver-haired, bad-ass sword-wielding bishie hotness, with Sephie being just a part of this popular trend. What sets him apart, however, is execution (acting, not AerisÂ…).
Sephiroth’s dark foreboding lines and steely glare will haunt many a gamer’s dreams, and for this, we can thank the man’s ever-capable acting coach. We’re talking the drama-guru who made Sephiroth walk the walk, talk the talk – the dude who probably taught him captivatingly cheesy one-liners like “Shall I give you despair?”
I’m afraid you haven’t, Mr. Sephiroth’s Acting Coach. You did give plenty of fanboys/girls something to think about for their next few – err – dreams, though…
Special accreditation goes to Cloud’s hairdresser.
2. Tactical Espionage recruitment officers
Whether it’s the snow-capped mountains of Alaska, or an oil rig off the coast of New York, we never seem to run out of those ever-inept soldiers that populate every stealth game we’ve played. Rest assured that these guys are willing and able to do what it takes to get it wrong, whether it’s searching rooms, pulling sentry duty, or pursuing suspicious cardboard boxes.
We credit this to the genre’s core of recruitment and quality control officers – the colorful men and women that make sure that the trooper/henchman/lackey/mook they hire will always be as short-sighted, deaf, cross-eyed, diarrhea-laden, and absolutely incompetent as those that marched in before them. Here’s to them – recruiting graduates from the Imperial Stormtrooper School of Marksmanship since 1977!
3. Janitorial staff: Silent Hill, Resident Evil
It’s a dirty job, but somebodyÂ’s gotta do it. We’re talking about every survival horror game’s crack team team of custodians – the cleanup crew who sets forth into the set after you’ve done your share of killing and bleeding. These are the guys who – by the time you’ve picked up your next key item and have gone your way – have ensured that whatever mound of bloodied zombie parts you left lying around will already be dealt with a quick swipe off their mop.
And by Jupiter, these guys work fast; See how the bodies just seem to disintegrate moments after their death? Whatever stain remover they’re packing has more clout than that Colt Python of yours.
4. Vice City/ San Andreas’ Medical staff
The next time you find yourself perforating these cities’ resident gang bosses, cops, and Feds, ask yourself this: who patches them up? We also dedicate this Quicklist to the skilled paramedics, doctors, nurses, and ambulance drivers who ensure that the poor sap you just wasted doesn’t stay dead for very long.
Whether it’s a gunshot wound, a concussion, or fractured bones, they’ll have these guys up and running within 10 minutes.
This is why the city never seems to run out stiffs on your ass whenever you hit the coveted 5 stars, or why, despite all the wanton killing, the population never seems to dip. It remains to be seen if their comrades in Rockstar’s next game can maintain the status quo.
On that note, a Trauma Center – GTA crossover does sound forthcomingÂ……
5. The fighting genre’s cosmetics team
Black eyes? Broken ribs? Dislocated joints? Third-degree burns from a Shinkuu-Hadouken? Never fear, valiant fighters! Sure, you’re gonna have to live with those missing spaces on your life bar, but that doesn’t mean you’ll have to grit it out looking like an Extreme Makeover reject.
Thanks to your game’s elite cadre of makeup artists and plastic surgeons, win or lose, a near-fatal (and most probably grotesque) injury on your person is just a powder dab away from looking spotless – just see their handiwork on the Street Fighter II “Continue?” screens!
We extend special thanks to the Dead or Alive and SNK squads. Their work above and beyond the call of duty ensures that femme fatales like Mai Shiranui, Kasumi, or Rachel maintain their bouncilicious antics, whether it’s throwing a punch, or spiking a volleyball. Never before has silicone seen such gravity-defying applications since superconductors!
6. RTS uber-shinobi build crews
When you’ve got a base that needs building in the middle of nowhere, who do you call in? An SCV, an MCV, or maybe that orcish peon you’ve been prodding with your green, severed hand? Honestly, do you really think these guys do all the dirty work?
Yes, we’re talking about the real elbow grease behind your building essentials. We mean the high secretive, albeit very adept ninja-carpenters, electricians, and plumbers that are packed off somewhere within your area, just waiting for your cursor click to rush out and do what they do best: stealth-build whatever structures you need, whether it’s some nuke-laden temple spire, or a demon-summoning rift gate. After all, ninja pwns all.
And why don’t they ever get credentials? While you can see evidence of their handiwork in the speed at which your visible builder (MCV, SCV, peasant, etc.) seems to create your stronghold, strategically placed dust clouds and computer editing ensures these guys are never seen in broad daylight. Union policies, Blargh.
7. MMORPG NPCs
How’d you like to have a job where the daily routine includes working at ungodly hours away from your friends and family, having yourself constantly abused by obnoxious players, and having to endure this hell for just peanuts? No, we’re not talking about MMORPG customer service reps (though it’s pretty dang close), we’re talking the game’s cast of NPCs.
Much like the postal service, expect these unfortunate blokes to be at your beck and call in-game in rain, sleet, or shine, whether it’s hunting for your latest quest, or shopping for your batch of potions, armors, and other essential adventuring whatnots.
And on this note, we shudder at the fate off their kin assigned to pre-scripted events and quests who, among other tasks, are expected to automatically utter the same lines every blessed day of existence, like so much fake riverboat rides in Disneyland. Think Illidian’s pissed because of his brethren night elves? Nope, that rage is the burden of saying the same lines again and again for all those Warcraft games. “You are not prepared!”…for his retirement pension.
And finally…
8. Kratos‘ anger management therapist
…Or lack thereof. To the shrink that SCEA never hired – or every guy who turned down the job in fear and revulsion – we salute you!
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