The Videogame Enthusiast Survival Guide: Holiday destinations you should steer clear of

So you’re planning a road trip, eh? Finally decided to get out of the house, stretch your legs, and get some well-needed R&R after that ridiculously-long all nighter fragging loud thirteen-year-old kids in the Halo 3 Beta? Spiffing! The sunshine will do you a world of good, not to mention the physical rigors of an excursion will get the juices flowing again in those game-atrophied muscles.

While there are some ideal destinations that let you lounge beside a sparkling pool while being waited on hand and foot by beautiful, scantily-clad specimens of the female persuasion, there ARE a couple of locations you might want to mark off your list, or avoid entirely. This Videogame Enthusiast Survival guide is about those locations, and if on the off-chance you find yourself in them – well, you’re pretty much beyond all help.

But don’t lose ALL hope, though, as this IS a survival guide, and we have a few tips to share – just in case.

The full Survival Guide after the jump!

So you’re planning a road trip, eh? Finally decided to get out of the house, stretch your legs, and get some well-needed R&R after that ridiculously-long all nighter fragging loud thirteen-year-old kids in the Halo 3 Beta? Spiffing! The sunshine will do you a world of good, not to mention the physical rigors of an excursion will get the juices flowing again in those game-atrophied muscles.

While there are some ideal destinations that let you lounge beside a sparkling pool while being waited on hand and foot by beautiful, scantily-clad specimens of the female persuasion, there ARE a couple of locations you might want to mark off your list, or avoid entirely. This Videogame Enthusiast Survival guide is about those locations, and if on the off-chance you find yourself in them – well, you’re pretty much beyond all help.

But don’t lose ALL hope, though, as this IS a survival guide, and we have a few tips to share – just in case.

5. Raccoon City

Population: -100,000 (They’re already dead.)
Economy: Sunk
Location: Midwestern United States
Distinguishing landmarks: A big crater the size of a city, compliments of a thermonuclear missile bombardment. You can’t miss it. Really.

You smell that nuked, charred flesh scent in the air? That’s the scent of victory, baby. If you suddenly find yourself in Raccoon City, consider yourself lucky…ish. There’s not much of a threat left after its untimely demise, but there ARE a few stragglers here and there who wouldn’t mind a live one just waltzing in with a fresh brain now and then. If in doubt, remember Zombie survival basics: walk fast, aim for the head, NEVER go toe-to-toe.

And if you somehow get infected – immediate symptoms would manifest as, oh, I dunno, maybe a large, bleeding hole with teeth marks anywhere on your body – seek IMMEDIATE medical attention at once. Wrap the wound up, do not clean it with fire no matter how many times you’ve seen Rambo do it, and you’ll be alright. If you start mumbling incoherently and suddenly have a craving for brains, however – you’d best be moving yourself to a shopping mall, a zombie’s common habitat. You’ll fit in right away.

4. Barrows Mansion

Population: 4
Economy: Import of XXXL-sized diapers and really large gardening shears.
Location: Norway
Distinguishing landmarks: A mansion with a prominent Clock Tower, requisite dark aura of foreboding evil, rain and convenient lightning effects. Again, you can’t miss it.

The good news is that the mansion itself is relatively safe – for the most part. There are no wandering zombies or anything of the sort. You just have to watch out for the mansion’s less than sane inhabitants – one of which will pop out occasionally to scare the everliving crap out of you in the form of a giggling schoolboy wearing a mask and sporting a giant pair of scissors (no, he’s not looking for an adult to help him with his school project).

Feel free to deal with him any way you like, the usual way being screaming shrilly like a little girl and shutting yourself in a closet somewhere. If you can trace your footsteps back, get out of the mansion STAT – don’t bother examining the furniture or the carpeting. No, I MEAN IT. GET OUT. NOW.

3. Village full of Angry Spanish People

Population: 5000 (estimate)
Economy: “Cerebrossss…..Cerebrosssss…Mierda!” Yup, brains and poop.
Location: Somewhere in Spain
Distinguishing landmarks: Quaint, rustic, old-fashioned village with friendly, if a bit potty-mouthed locals. A picturesque lake (NO SWIMMING). Elaborate church. Plaga infestation.

We’re now in the “point of no return” of the list, and if you’re unfortunate enough to find yourself in Village full of Angry Spanish People, you can just pat yourself on the back for having the worst sense of direction anyone can actually be born with. The locals aren’t quite taken to entertaining strangers, and with the language barrier, it probably won’t be long before they’re chasing you with pitchforks and torches.

One thing to remember: pick up EVERY potted plant you see, especially if they’re green, red or yellow. It may not make sense at first, but you’ll need them. Another tip would be to break stuff like barrels and boxes – them angry villagers are a careless lot, and leave things like jewels and gold bars around. Since you’re already there, might as well grab what you can.

If you thought ahead and packed some heat before your roadtrip, it’s a good thing to CONSERVE ammo. Don’t go spraying and praying like some huge prat – aim for the head. If you’re not armed, however, try mingling with the locals. Get rid of any brightly-colored clothes. Dress down, put on something in earthy pastels. Muss your hair up a bit, and then start pointing at things while muttering choice Spanish words in an angry, dammit-where’s-the-milk tone.

2. Freaking Scary Old Japanese Village

Population: -1000 (Hellish Abyss Mosh Pit)
Economy: Film. Lots of film.
Location: Somewhere in Japan.
Distinguishing Landmarks: Perpetual darkness, complete silence, traditional Japanese architecture and housing. Lots of forests.

If you’re in the Freaking Scary Old Japanese Village, you’re pretty much screwed. The place is a ghost town – LITERALLY a ghost town. Sure, it may be a treat for the Japan-loving individual – the houses are certainly comfy and with no one around, you pretty much have the whole town to yourself. What you WILL be encountering are ghosts of all kinds. You have the little girl ghosts, the old people ghosts – and the crowd favorite, the OH MY GOD HE HAS NO EYES AND HE’S COMING AFTER ME ghosts.

If you brought along a camera, you can appeal to the Japanese fascination with flash photography – be sure to take lots of pictures, preferably with your ectoplasmic hosts in the viewfinder. They love that, and it might just help you live a little while longer.

And no matter how much she looks like she WANTS to, don’t cuddle the giggling little girl ghost in the white kimono. Really. Don’t. You’ll thank us in the long run.

1. Silent Hill

Population: You
Economy: Gardening tools, power tools, mannequins
Location: Unknown (most recent reported location: Maine)
Distinguishing landmarks: Brookhaven Hospital, LakeSide Amusement Park, people wearing funny hats.

Abandoned town? Check. No way of communicating with the outside world? Check.

All-encompassing fog that reduces visibility to but a few feet in front of you? Check.

If you manage to stumble upon Silent Hill, congratulations – you shouldn’t have even thought of stepping outside your own room. You’re in the worst place anyone could ever be right now, barring that of a war-torn, dystopian future ruled by the Combine – but we won’t go there. You probably have some unresolved issues with your family or something – or maybe you’ve just been too naughty.

Or maybe you’re that just unlucky.

In any case, walk around. Don’t go into the buildings – well, you probably wouldn’t be able to, as all the doors would probably be locked. Take care of any and all metal implements you may be carrying, as crap gets rusty fast in Silent Hill. Don’t muck around by trying to ride for free in the town’s roller coaster, as it’s just tempting fate. One thing’s for sure, though, you’ll never get hungry – Silent Hill is the Beef Jerky capital of the world. You can pick mountains of it off the ground – just make sure it’s clean.

While there’s certainly scarier environments anyone would soil their tighty-whities being in, it’s these five you should probably watch out for. This has been the Videogame Enthusiast Survival Guide!

(And if you’re curious about where you can see these locations from the safety of your TV screen, the titles are as follows: Resident Evil 2 & 3, Clock Tower: The First Fear, Resident Evil 4, Fatal Frame 2 and finally, the Silent Hillseries).